Internal Family Systems is an approach to counselling created by Dick Schwartz. Like any approach it borrows from other approaches. It has become one of the more compelling approaches to therapy in recent years because it has been able to help people that conventional talk therapy hasn’t worked for. It has proven effective at healing trauma and in particular complex trauma from long-term abuse, mistreatment and neglect in relationships.
Conventional talk therapy is primarily about helping correct your thinking so that you feel better. Without a doubt a lot of people experience anxiety, depression and unwanted anger because their view of the world or themselves is distorted. Through a combination of talk and different exercises people learn to challenge their unhelpful thoughts and learn techniques to help relieve anxiety and overwhelm.
How IFS is different
IFS is different from regular talk therapy in a couple of significant ways. One is how the mind works. Typically we think of the human mind as a single voice, a single decision maker. With IFS we see the mind more like a committee, group or family. Each member of that committee we call a part.
If you have ever thought to yourself, “I’ll have a 2nd piece of pumpkin pie” and then another thought comes up “Maybe I better not, I want to fit in my pants on the way home.” Those are two parts of you deliberating with different priorities. One wants to make you feel good now, and the other wants to feel better later.
The more wounded we are in life the more fragmented we become inside. This is why we might end up drinking more than we want to, get angry over things that don’t make sense to us afterwards, or compromising our boundaries when we told ourselves we wouldn’t do it again. There is an internal dynamic inside of you, and when you are activated or in distress some parts just take over, and when the moment passes and that part recedes you question why you did what you did.
Parts and their roles
Our parts tend to fall into three roles. Parts that hold the wounds, parts that try to relieve the discomfort and parts that try to keep us safe.
Wounded parts (Exiles)
There are parts that hold the hurt, traumatic memories, loneliness, feelings of shame, and the beliefs that we just aren’t good enough. We try to push those parts away from us. When life happens and we get wounded or scared these parts can overwhelm us. IFS calls these parts exiles, I prefer to call them wounded parts. Mostly because they aren’t always exiled, sometimes they are very much on the surface.
Coping parts (Firefighters)
We have the parts that want us to feel better, get relief, or distract us from distress. Sometimes they lead us to do something healthy, like talking to a friend or getting exercise. These parts can get stuck using behaviours or substances that are very good at relieving distress in the moment but take very little effort to use. This could be drinking alcohol, using cannabis, casual sex, porn, gambling and eating. Another common behaviour is rage. IFS calls these parts firefighters, I call them coping parts.
Protective parts (Protectors/Managers)
Then we have the parts that are trying to keep us safe. Sometimes it is very specific. If you were attacked by a dog in your childhood you might have a part that makes you very anxious about dogs. We experience these parts as anxiety, fear and nervousness. Sometimes the safety it seeks is more from social acceptability. It could be something like people pleasing, perfectionism, or striving for achievement.
There isn’t anything unhealthy about wanting to keep yourself safe or find a break from anxiety on a tough day. It becomes a problem when those coping and protective parts are fuelled by the pain and trauma of the wounded parts.
How we get stuck in our pain
If we have a wounded part that holds a traumatic memory of being attacked by a dog, the part geared towards keeping you safe from dogs reacts disproportionately to the situation. A dog can be threatening when you are 4, but when you are 24 that dog isn’t the same threat, but emotionally you might react as if you are 4. The problem is we get stuck in trauma and even though we’ve changed the wound remains. Which is why we find ourselves reacting more than we want and wonder why.
How we engage with parts
In the process of therapy we attempt to map out and see the relationship between all these parts. Starting usually at the top with more protective parts we explore the fears and the hurts and how they all relate to each other.
Dick Schwartz started having his clients talk directly to their parts. It starts by focusing on the experience of emotion in the body. So for example locating where you are feeling anxiety in the body, focus in on it and start noticing the thoughts, feelings, impressions, memories or even imagery that comes to your head. Once you’ve connected you can just start talking to the part and notice its responses.
The IFS view of Self
We also discovered that you can ask a part to step back, give space, or take a break and then focus on another part. You do that enough and you eventually find your source of compassion, gentleness, patience, confidence and curiosity. Dick Schwartz labelled this “self” or “self-energy.”
If you can apply that self-compassion and self-acceptance to yourself it goes a long way to bring relief to anxious or hurt parts. It is also essential in helping parts reprocess their traumatic memories and let go of the baggage they have been carrying.
The Christian view
I can attest to the validity of all these things after thousands of hours using IFS with my clients. If I were to frame this all in Christian language I would appeal to Paul in his letter to the Romans. He describes a war with himself where he ends up doing what he doesn’t want to do. He says that in his inner person he agrees with the law of God but in his members (parts) he is compelled by sin. The methods of IFS have given me a window into internal conflict and the tools to help bring some peace and healing.